Tomorrow is my 28th birthday. I have changed since last September 24th. I change everyday, as everyone does. I continue learning lessons and growing through challenges and goals met, or not met. I often wonder what this path is that I'm on, if there even is a path, or if we're all floating. The path feels real to me though. It feels real because when I'm on a solid one, I can sense it. Roots form. I become grounded in the foundation of life, and yet can move freely. The chaos subsides and my vision clears.
My friend Aly introduced me to this song and the lyrics and the video hit a sensitive spot in my chest. I thought, "what is it that I will leave behind?"
The idea of the Phoenix has been an ever expanding notion in my life. The process of rebirth, and discovering yourself again and again. It can definitely be a bit terrifying to find yourself in a place of questioning, wondering why you no longer feel fulfilled where you once did, in your vocation or with your hobbies. Many questions come into play. What will others think? Will I lose friends? Will I lose opportunities? Why am I not grateful for the things I have? Am I lost?
Generally I think of it as one big enclosed space that I'm agreeing to be inside of. Imagine life as a grocery store, strolling past the same things every day. You make your slow round through the store and every time you come past the candy isle you think "amazing, I love chocolate, I'm so excited to have chocolate again," and then you pass the vegetables and think, "I'd rather have chocolate right now but this is good for me so I'll have some of this too." After a while people start arguing and you avoid them. Then the store becomes a little busier. Some people are confused by all the options, and others don't move from their one part of their one isle. It's simple enough to avoid, and you even try helping a few distinguish what they like from what they don't like. Eventually the rounds begin to feel repetitive. You think, "I like chocolate, right? I do. So I will have it. That makes sense." But the effects have changed. Everything begins to taste the same, and suddenly you become aware of an emptiness in your body that has nothing to do with your belly, which is full from trying to eat new things that will make you feel good. The easy answer to someone outside is to simply leave the grocery store.
This is much easier said that done. You have no idea what could be outside, or if you'll think "I never should have left, it was comfortable in there, and I had everything I needed." Comfort can become very uncomfortable, because ultimately, you are no longer learning anything new.
Do I want to leave a legacy of laziness? Of only just making it? Or will I see myself climb mountains? I want to walk through the fog and discover what's on the other peaks, instead of staying on the same one for fear of no longer being comfortable. This can be done in many ways.
Another good example is my hair. I'm letting it grow. I used to have all kinds of different styles. Half buzzed, mohawk, long on top, bleached parts, bob cut, etc. Every time I announced that I was going to change my hairstyle people would say, "don't!! It looks so good the way it is!" and I would do it anyway, and the chorus would persist during the next round. Eventually I stopped talking about it and just did what I felt the impulse to do, knowing it would always grow back. Life is like this. Just because others get attached to the way they identify with you in no way means you should. If you have any urge to change, why not see what happens.
I say all of this as a note-to-self. A good reminder in beginning this brand new personal year.